Mary Goes to the Dentist

Here is my hysterically funny teenage daughter’s account of her trip to the dentist.  Enjoy:

Live Blogging My Trip to the Dentist

3:05 p.m.

Ho-hum. The dentist. No problem. Hello, receptionist! Why yes, I am here. Why yes, I will take a seat amongst these rather old magazines.

3:15

My appointment was five minutes ago. Why are they waiting? Is something horribly wrong? Is the dentist being held at gunpoint by some cavity ridden mobster?! Oh, no, wait. A smiling nurse type lady is calling me back.

3:17

Great, now they want me to sit in one of those dentist chairs. Those things are so awkward; I never know I should  lean back while they’re getting ready or if I should sit up. I know! I’ll sit sideways. That way, my legs can hang over the edge like in a normal chair. I bet this looks really stupid.

3:19

Oh great, they want to take x-rays. Now I have to wear that stupid apron thing. I know it’s to protect my innards from radiation, but that doesn’t make me any happier about it. Plus I have to bite down on this weird plastic thing; is there lead in it, too? Is it protecting me from tongue cancer? Is that even a thing? Oh, it’s done. I feel all… irradiated. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for some sort of super hero power to develop later.

3:30

Ow. I’m being poked in the mouth. Why does tooth cleaning have to be so unpleasant? Hey, the nurse is saying I have nice teeth. Does that mean I don’t have any cavities? Can I go now?

3:35

Crap. I have two cavities. Why meeeee? And they’re on both sides of the same tooth. I bet that tooth is plotting against me! I feel so betrayed. Oh great, the dentist is here. I guess my teeth are clean. They feel shiny. Except for the tooth with cavities; it feels villainous.

3:40

What if the cavities are really bad? What if my entire mouth is affected and I need dentures? What if I can never eat again?!?

3:43

Apparently the traitor tooth has some sort of childhood issues — as in, from my childhood. The dentist says the tooth is weak, possibly from some sort of trauma around the time I was two. Funnily enough, I had a mishap involving a rug, tripping, and an unforgiving fireplace when I was two. Could there be a correlation?

3:45

My mouth feels minty, and slightly traitorous. I’m free… for NOW. I have to come back later to get those cavities taken care of, because that’s the kind of girl I am — one who would prefer her mouth did not fall off. In any event, I have been released into the world, along with a free toothbrush.

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About tisawhite

I'm a mother of 4 children. I stay at home and I'm Catholic.
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2 Responses to Mary Goes to the Dentist

  1. Becky says:

    HAHAHAHA!!! That’s great. I love the play by play action.

  2. Sarah says:

    HILARIOUS is right!!! I dream that I can write that funny! Very fun to read.

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